Troy's "blog" on vonbalthazar.com / myspace

[Florent]

Friday, February 13, 2009

all turtles are evil
Current mood: aroused

all turtles are evil
-------------------------

Back in the 1940's when I was still a young girl I lived in Brazil deep in the amazon forest. When I was four years old I saw my first man eating turtle up close. That year I was drinking a lot and my memory is a little hazy but that encounter changed my life forever, and left me with only three remaining toes.

It all started after a long night of drinking in the bar. I had just met some nice sailors and we were getting along fine. I'd gone outside to smoke a cigarette and get some fresh air when I saw something move in the corner of my eye. I was pretty drunk at that point but as I stared into the dark amazon water I could swear there was something moving down there. From out of the murky water I saw what looked like two glowing eyes. I bent down to get a closer look and saw clearly two evil green eyes the size of saucers staring back at me!

I let out a horrible scream but no sound came out of my throat. I was frozen in terror at the edge of the water.
Back in the 1940's the amazon was a totally different river. There were crocodile, snakes, underwater sea chickens and other dangerous animals but we were all so toughened by the forest life that we would swim daily in the deep waters.
I'm not Jacques Cousteau but I've never seen a turtle as evil as the one I saw that night. It's eyes were the size of lamp-lights, it's teeth were like giant white pickles, jagged, bitter, and deadly.
My first impulse was to kick his rotten face before he could attack. My feet are as hard as wood from running through the forest chasing monkeys for dinner so I swung my leg back and aimed for his green lizard-like face.
I'm not Jacques Cousteau but kicking a turtle hurts, and remember I was only four years old and completely drunk so my aim might have been slightly off. What I thought was his face was actually his bottom and my foot disappeared into darkness...

To this day that was one of the most awkward moments of my life and I shutter to recall the rest of this horrific adventure.

I should tell you that I did study with Jacques Cousteau for many years and learned how to fight most animals to the death. I can strangle about any fish you throw at me and I always carry a knife in my shoe to kill birds and horses. Most of the time I just kill for the thrill of it, and to swim in the lakes of blood while I praise my lord that lives below me.

So there I was standing at the rivers edge with my foot lost in the darkness of the monsters sweet buttocks. Just then I heard a roar from the beneath me and watched the monster turtle swing its giant head out of the water. I could see the confusion in its eyes and smell its horrible breath. It's eyes were locked in mine and they pleaded as if to say....."why there?"

If i were Jacques Cousteau I might have reacted differently but all those vodka shots made me so light headed that I instinctively jumped onto the monsters back and dug my heels into his rough green hide.
We took off like a flash across the dark amazon river, both of us screaming in terror.
We were moving so fast and the monster was thrashing about so wildly that I could feel the foot beginning to uncork itself from its the monsters unsightly bottom.
I was beginning to slip but I knew I would be killed if I let go, so I dug in deeper and could feel my toes crunching and breaking off inside the beast like little brown breadsticks.

Just as I thought I couldn't hold on a second longer the monster leaped from the water with me on his back and I could feel myself losing consciousness.
The last thing I saw was the little village with it's groovy sailor bars, the river glowing in the moonlight and the green black trees of my beloved amazon far below us.

I now live with the turtle on the moon and we dance together beneath the fiery sky.
It's hard dancing with only three toes left after the others were ripped from me on that memorable night. I thought I would never walk again, but the turtle (who I now call Donnie) nursed me back to health and gave me the confidence to dance again.
"So dance my children
dance for the light
dance for youth remembered
for youth, despite
the tragedy of getting older
the wonderment of flight
the toes we lost,
the toes we found
and now my friends...goodnight."

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